朱恐龍
朱恐龍

阿宅的戀愛性教育時間! (28147 views)
     

話說事出突然,本部落格的忠實讀者在日前提出了一個極為重大的問題:

就是他還是個處....,所以對於.....愛有點恐慌,罹患了他稱之為愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛恐慌症的嚴重症狀!


換句話說,他已經克服了阿宅最大的困難......他目前的女友是個真的女生!

既然這樣,這麼嚴重的問題實在不能夠等閒視之!因此本站又再度進入了阿宅緊急對策態勢!

再加上最近剛好超人再臨又一直在HBO上播放,因此,本宅胖決定拿出關鍵性的對阿宅性教育兵器!

也就是傳說中的Neo Armstrong Cyclone Jet Armstrong Canon,新阿姆斯壯旋風噴射阿姆斯壯炮!

我知道各位阿宅一定很心急!想要早點看到!


(阿宅蜂擁而上的示意圖)

本文有露點及十八禁圖片和性行為深入詳盡而且清楚直接、相當科學化以及仔細明白、毫不退讓的描述,衛道人士請勿進入!

所以我們必須要用適度的畫面隔開,讓大家作出選擇之後才會看到!

就跟你說危險會破壞心靈了!唉,你為什麼那麼著急呢?

Follow up:

鋼鐵男兒,把妹哀歌(Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex)

作者: Larry Niven(已獲授權轉載與中文翻譯)
插畫: Curt Swan
原載: http://www.larryniven.org/stories/Man_of_Steel_Woman_of_Kleenex.shtml
譯者:朱學恒


他比子彈要快!他比火車要更有力!他能夠一躍跳過摩天大樓!但為什麼他就是虧不到美眉?

在三十一歲的壯年(註:超人第一次出現在Action Comics的1938年6月號,而本文作者是在七零年代撰寫這篇文章的。所以,這位單身漢現在應該更老了。七十歲的處男真可憐!), Kal-El(代號超人,又名克拉克‧肯特)依然尚未結婚。這傢伙多半還是個處男,這問題可大條了,超人的種族這下陷入了滅種的危機!

單身的超人有更多羅曼史的可能性。因此坊間謠傳記錄這位鋼鐵男兒的作者刻意安排了這種狀況,但我認為漫畫家並不是這問題的罪魁禍首。

這顯然也不是超人的生理問題。

不過,我們都知道這壯漢的神智狀況絕對不可能完全正常。怎麼可能呢?他是個孤兒、是個難民(但應該不是鄉民…鄉民只是愛灌水和湊熱鬧…)、是個異鄉流浪的外星人。他的家鄉被徹底消滅,只剩下幾百萬噸危險的七彩石頭在太空中漂浮。

Kal-El自孩童時代到青少年時期都很難找到一個能夠讓他認可的父親角色。哪有任何人類能夠控制他的反社會行為?哪有人類膽敢處罰他?他對自己的高道德標準顯示了一種非人的自我壓抑傾向。

如果超人漸漸精神分裂怎麼辦?他被迫在人類和克理普頓星人的身份之間掙扎,他選擇兩個都不放棄,讓兩個不同的人格彼此相隔。我們可以從他不計一切代價保護自己秘密身份的行為看得出來極度緊繃的精神壓力。(而且還要擔心被拆穿,我們都知道作弊時的緊張感吧!)

但超人的性生活是單純的生理問題,而且是相當迫切的危機。

本文的目的是指出克理普頓星人身處在人類之中的醫學(及性生活問題)問題,並且試著找出醫學上的解決方案。克理普頓星人絕對不能像是翼手龍或是被人類捕捉而滅絕的旅鴿一樣就這麼絕種!科學的熱血不允許喔喔喔!

I

什麼能夠激起克理普頓星人的性趣?

超人是個異形、外星人。他的人類外型就像澳洲的有袋動物外型接近其他大陸的哺乳類一樣。不過只是平行演化的結果而已。某種特別的生態環境就會產生特別的外表、體型、能力和補食習慣。

但請千萬別被外表所欺騙,超人並非哺乳綱靈長目人科人屬智人種的一般人。

到底是什麼樣的事物可以引起Kal-El的求偶慾望呢?克理普頓星的女性是否會在每年的某一個時期發出特別的交配訊號呢?不管那是什麼訊號,路易絲‧蓮恩多半都沒有辦法發出類似的訊號。我們推斷她的味道聞起來就是不對,跟地球猴子和克理普頓女性之間的差異沒什麼兩樣。超人和路易絲之間的交配行為就像是人獸大戰一樣淫穢,為法律和教會所不容。

II

在這裡我們假設超人和一名人類女性(姑且隱其名為路小姐)發生了交配行為。


(這個漫畫版的路小姐好像剛隆過乳)

如果超人不是已經完全崩潰,真的相信自己是人類克拉克‧肯特;那麼就是他已經領了太多張好人卡,已經不在乎任何天理不容的行為了。三十一年是個漫長的時間,對超人來說這更是如同地獄般的煎熬。他擁有X光透視眼,他可以看到我們平常看不到的東西,也更清楚他這三十一年錯過了什麼。(我們可不能把超人當作死變態。天賦能力本來就是註定要使用的。在超人學會壓抑透視眼之前,他從小可能根本就不知道物體有所謂的表面。如果幾百萬人毫無羞恥的穿著沒有鉛金屬內裡的衣服,導致被人看光光,這實在不是超人的錯。)

真正的危機出現了,針對性交中男女所做的腦電波圖顯示,所謂的高潮就類似於「充滿快感的癲癇發作」,主角們會失去對肌肉的控制。我們都知道超人曾經不小心在鋼鐵和混凝土上留下指紋。如果他的性高潮也像是「癲癇發作」一樣,他懷裡的女人會變成什麼鬼樣?

III

接著好戲要登場了,請想一想男性和女性交配時的衝刺場景,雙方都一心一意的想要更深更遠,也請記得我們的主角之一擁有克理普頓星球的肌肉…

超人顯然一不小心就會將路小姐的身體壓成肉醬,同時把她從跨下到腦袋硬生生刺穿成兩半,就像是條被開膛破腹的魚一樣…


(根據我們的阿宅性教育讀本顯示,這句話顯然是超人在說謊。為了把妹他真是什麼都作得出來!)

IV

超人先生的中出最後一炮則會把路小姐的頭蓋骨也跟著一起轟開,飛出來的除了腦漿之外還會有許多神秘白果醬。 (本段中有許多專業名詞,請讀者自行使用Google查詢。另外,由於譯者也有高道德標準,因此在此拒絕把精液翻成洨,因為太沒有教育意義了)

人類男性的射精行為是完全非自主性的反應,地球上的所有生命型態也都是如此,合理的推斷是克理普頓男性應該也是如此。但藉由克理普頓人肌肉的加速,這些精液的槍口初速應該和機槍子彈相同。(我們不禁要想像當年肯特老家小鎮家中應該會到處都是小洞吧?青春期的浪漫喔喔喔!不知道為什麼當年他馬子Lana沒注意到不對勁?或者她不知道自己其實逃過了變成蜂窩的命運?附上Lana圖一張,有圖有真相!)

在這樣的悲慘結果之下,超人和路小姐之間的正常性愛顯然是不可能了。

人工授精顯然比較能夠產生不會血濺五步的結果。


(某一個版本的路小姐)

V

首先我們必須收集精子,這些小傢伙的初速將會超過音速。超人一射精之後就必須急忙飛到前面用試管接住自己射出來的東西。為了考慮到隱私和合理性,我想他應該會在月球上進行這部分的工作,同時也可以避免精子以音速撞擊音障而因此蒸發。

超人當然可以在精子在真空中蒸發之前抓住自己的精子,因為他的速度比子彈還要快。

但他能夠保留這些精子嗎?

所有已知的克理普頓星生命都擁有超級的力量。對活的克理普頓星精子來說必定也是如此。合理的推論是克理普頓星精子就像是超人一樣,只害怕綠色克理普頓礦石和飢餓(不吃東西會因為缺乏能量而餓死);他們也可以同樣輕易的在空氣、水、真空中行動,穿透玻璃、磚塊、滾燙的鐵漿、鋼鐵、液態氦和恆星的核心,而且他們還可以用超光速來移動。

哪有試管可以裝的住這種鬼東西?

克理普頓星的精子和他們的超強力量將會帶給我們更多的問題。但是,目前我們先假設他們還是願意繼續待在精液中,乖乖的被玻璃試管裝著。(不然文章寫不下去…)因此,超人和路小姐就可以繼續人工受精的任務了。

克理普頓星人終於可以有了下一代…真的嗎?

VI

一顆成熟但尚未受孕的卵子離開了路小姐的子宮,開始沿著輸卵管往下移動。

神奇的一刻即將到來…

人類真的能夠和克理普頓星人配種嗎?(那美克星呢?超級幸運星呢?火星呢?靠夭原作者問題真正多…)我們的基因碼可能根本不相同吧?基本上,路小姐跟玉米交配可能都更容易生出下一代來…(原作應該沒有用形狀暗示任何事情的意思…)但這世界上還是會有巧合的。假設兩人的基因能夠配對…

一個(一顆?一粒?一包?一發?一丸?)精子一馬當先抵達了卵子。他穿透卵子,在表面上構成一個凸起,卵子的細胞外殼開始變厚,阻止其他的精子進入。在這受精的卵子中,細胞開始分裂了…

而大約有一千萬個克理普頓星人的精子則在此時抵達。

如果這些是人類的精子,他們恐怕就只能下次請早了。但這些盲目的小東西擁有遠超過火車頭的怪力,變厚的細胞不足以擋住他們。他們會全部擠進卵子中,在縮小的世界中輪暴這個卵子,把它打成渣。看來人工受孕也完蛋了。

但路小姐的麻煩這才開始呢…

VII

路小姐體內現在還有數以千萬計,無比沮喪的克理普頓星精子。之前那顆倒楣的卵子已經被打的不成卵形,於是暴民們就這麼自動散開了。

他們就這麼神擋殺神,佛阻殺佛的散開來了。他們在各種肌肉組織、骨骼、器官上留下極微小的隧道及開口,最後全部都會逃到外界去。

這讓路小姐全身上下出現了幾百萬個洞,幾乎每個器官上都有一個以上的開口。

這樣一來,她鐵定會感染得到腹膜炎,要住院掛急診囉!

在此同時,幾千萬個精子飛上了大都會市的天空…


(這是超人的另一個馬子,Lana Lang)

VIII

這問題比我們想像的還要嚴重。

請想想看:這些精子可說是無堅不摧金剛不壞。幾天之內他們就會因為缺乏營養而掛點,但在那之前除了綠色克理普頓礦石之外,他們不受高熱、低溫、真空、劇毒的影響。(還有別種克理普頓礦石,舉例來說,紅色克理普頓礦石會讓克理普頓星人變成巨人。想想看有幾千萬個蚯蚓大小的克理普頓星人精子在大都會市的沙灘上找海灘球受孕…我還是不要想那麼多好了…)這些渾身是勁的危險傢伙就這麼帶著怪力入侵…

大都會市滿天都是小型的音爆,各種各樣焦黑的小洞神秘的出現在所有的東西上:石頭、盤子、樹木、寵物和倒楣的市民。有些精子甚至可以突破光速,大都會市的夜空將會充滿了藍色的切倫科夫輻射。(摘自大英百科全書:帶電粒子穿過透 光媒質,其速度大於該媒質中的光速時所產生的光)

許多超人從來沒見過的女性陷入了特殊的危機中。

請想想看:路小姐不能懷孕是因為這些怪力精子數量太多了。但如果這些怪物在四散奔逃的路上遇到了單一未受精的人類卵子,他還是會照著本能攻擊的。

但到底要近到什麼程度呢?幾公分?精子會受到分泌物的吸引嗎?看起來很有可能。大都會市有幾百萬的市民,克理普頓星人的精子可以飛行幾十億公里才會因衰弱而消滅。

看起來發生幾千起受孕事件應該算是合理的推算。(如果少年超人像人類一樣抓片打槍的話,他的故鄉恐怕也會面臨同樣的問題。)

緊接著將會發生幾千起的民事訴訟賠償。不過,這些民事賠償對超人來說應該是小問題。他只要把碳元素握在手中直接加以數百大氣壓的壓力變成鑽石就可以解決了…

IX

上面的分析給了我們部分的答案。在我們的人工受孕實驗中,我們必須只能使用一個精子,這對超人來說並不困難,他可以用顯微視力從自己的精液中挑出一個精子來。


(飾演超人另一個馬子Lana Lang的Kristin Kreuk,這姿勢好奇怪呀!)

X

超人的精子會因為在路小姐的體內以超音速亂竄而造成極大的破壞,有可能減緩他們的速度嗎?

的確有的,我們可以用金色的克理普頓礦石照射他們。

各位應該都還記得,金色克理普頓礦石可以永久性的解除克理普頓星人所有的超能力。如果我們讓超人接觸金色克理普頓礦石,這下就可以解決他所有的性生活問題了,但他也就永遠只能當克拉克‧肯特了。這樣的解決方法可能就像是用大砲打小鳥一樣,有點太過火了。

但我們還是可以讓那些精液接受金色克理普頓礦石的照射,然後就可以用一般的人工受孕的方式來進行。

只要用上述的兩種方法之一,我們都可以讓路小姐活著受孕。這下我們已經解決了所有的問題了吧?

XI

雖然這些精子經過金色克理普頓礦石的照射,但他們依舊擁有克理普頓星人的基因。如果這些基因是隱性的,那麼路小姐的胎兒應該就是人類,超人一系就此斷絕,但至少我們不需要擔心母親的身體健康。

但如果某些克理普頓星人的基因是顯性的…

胎兒在出生前可以使用X射線透視眼嗎?如果他有這種能力,就算閉著眼睛他也可以看見東西。這恐怕會讓路小姐被輻射感染…而且如果他開始從眼睛發射熱線,恐怕就更糟糕了。

但當他開始胎動踢腿時,一切就完了。他會一腳踢開媽媽的肚子,自己也跟著飛出去而跟著完蛋…

XII

有任何解決方案嗎?

的確是有,但都不是完美無缺的。

我們可以讓路小姐穿著克理普頓礦石腰帶(為了符合我們的需要,我們假設所有的克理普頓礦石都是無限量供應的。根據我的估計,在克理普頓星爆炸之後,掉到地球上的克理普頓礦石竟然有那麼多,顯然那顆行星的重量比我們整個太陽系都還要重。毫無疑問的,克理普頓星應該是個正在降溫的黑矮星,他的伴星則是另一個紅巨星。)。但如果克理普頓礦石的量太少會壓抑不住那孩子,但太多又可能對孩子造成永久性的傷害。而中等的量可能又讓孩子受傷又讓路小姐受傷!而且根本沒有任何安全的實驗方式!

更好的辦法則是找到一個代理孕母。

我們一直沒把超女…啊,超少女的存在考慮進來。(她不能和超人上床的原因是因為她是超人的堂妹,雖然我們看色文常看到類似的故事,但本文作者道德標準很高,我們不來這一套的)而且,超少女的秘密身份還是個高中女生,如果她肚子突然大了起來,恐怕會被退學吧。

另外一個更好的解決方案就是把這胎兒放到超人自己的肚子裡去。男人的腹腔確實有足夠的空間,足以讓這胎兒以寄生的方式緩緩長大,吸取養分,而且又不會對附近的器官造成傷害。不過,克拉克‧肯特休長假的話要比超少女請假簡單多了。反正又不是第一次了…(上次電影上映不就是因為請長假之後復出嗎?)

當時機到來的時候,我們必須要用剖腹生產的方式來胎兒取出,剖腹的時間一定不可能足月,但只要有夠好的保溫箱和持續供應食物,就沒有什麼問題。我想就把如何切開超人金剛不壞的肌肉來開刀的問題留給讀者吧。

懷孕的超人在天空飛翔的景象勢必會成為八卦週刊的熱門話題。蝙蝠俠為了面子可能會拒絕跟好友一起出動,而監獄中開始流傳著各種各樣跟超人有關的黃色笑話…但這一切都不重要!克理普頓星人的未來終於出現了希望!

什麼?你說這篇本文完全沒有回答到愛愛恐慌症的問題?

你說這篇文章都在瞎扯和聊天?

你說這篇文章貼那麼多圖不知道幹嘛?

你是新來的啊?

這個部落格哪一篇文章不是這樣?!

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迴響(439)

迴響 from: Billy [訪問者]
XD
2008-04-18 @ 13:51
迴響 from: simparn [訪問者]
又是頭香~送!哈哈
2008-04-18 @ 13:53
迴響 from: 朱恐龍 [成員]
第二名的囧讓我們看到慢了人家兩分鐘還覺得爽的無奈.....

還有本網站不能砍留言的悲哀.....

Lucifer
2008-04-18 @ 13:55
迴響 from: Kent [訪問者]
哈哈,這篇一定要珍藏啊!XD
2008-04-18 @ 14:00
迴響 from: teamic [訪問者] · http://blog.pixnet.net/wildrush
這個主題從阿宅的性生活跑到了超人的性生活,再從超人的性生活跑到了超人的傳承。

我彷彿在這裡面看到了混沌進化理論的真義。
2008-04-18 @ 14:10
迴響 from: 冰小音 [訪問者] · http://www.wretch.cc/album/skiyo0109
還蠻好笑的 哈哈
2008-04-18 @ 14:14
迴響 from: 草人 [訪問者]
哈哈 第二篇真的很囧,下次要學第一篇,先進來打XD再出去看文章的好習慣。
2008-04-18 @ 14:16
迴響 from: 垂哥 [訪問者] · http://memoriesoff.jp/psp/
OBAMA GIRL!!
2008-04-18 @ 14:21
迴響 from: vxa [訪問者] · http://vxarx.blogspot.com/
這其實是空想科學讀本性教育版吧....我看穿了!
話說.....俺又被騷擾了~嗚嗚屋~
2008-04-18 @ 14:23
迴響 from: 朱恐龍 [成員]
vxa乖,下次就寫你喔~~~

Lucifer
2008-04-18 @ 14:26
迴響 from: vxa [訪問者] · http://vxarx.blogspot.com/
恩....我怎麼突然有種惡寒的感覺.....到底是誰!?
2008-04-18 @ 14:33
迴響 from: butter [訪問者] · http://blog.roodo.com/butter/
我看來和前10永遠無緣....
2008-04-18 @ 14:45
迴響 from: 盧卡斯 [訪問者]
中午趴著休息 起來沒多久後看了這篇

又想睡了....我一定不夠宅....XD
2008-04-18 @ 14:52
迴響 from: 朱恐龍 [成員]
搞不好是因為你作了什麼之後又覺得累了.....

Lucifer
2008-04-18 @ 14:55
迴響 from: Other [訪問者] · http://blog.roodo.com/timsid99

XD

這篇的風格超像「空想科學系列」之超人傳宗接代篇

只是....是糟糕版

感謝朱大熱情教學
2008-04-18 @ 14:59
迴響 from: 路過的 [訪問者]
這篇為什麼看起來似曾相識XDDDD
2008-04-18 @ 15:13
迴響 from: 潛水夫 [訪問者]
所以說,前一陣子的電影,那個小鬼絕對不是超人的後代。

因為................。
2008-04-18 @ 15:28
迴響 from: cyber runner [訪問者] · http://orz18.blogspot.com

今天這篇的女生都很好看呀
但要搜集那樣多的矽膠妹也要很有本阿
XD
2008-04-18 @ 15:29
迴響 from: 潛水夫 [訪問者]
http://www.larryniven.org/stories/Man_of_Steel_Woman_of_Kleenex.shtml

朱大,你給的連結有誤,最尾巴不是”htm”,而是”shtml”。
2008-04-18 @ 15:58
迴響 from: 簡尼夫德萊尼 [訪問者] · http://www.gamebase.com.tw/mybase/kenneth1991/
真的看傻了 =_=
超人的後代這個問題
就像在討論
希臘神話中的泰坦和人類會生下什麼的孩子一樣 =_=
2008-04-18 @ 16:28
迴響 from: kuroro [訪問者]
我對你的圓餅圖有意見喔

如果哪個宅男敢拉著還沒上過床的女友ㄧ起看A片 只有0.0001%他的女友會自動騎上來 99.9999%他的女友會賞他兩巴掌 或是帶著鄙視的眼神說:變態

談戀愛問宅神 @@戀愛高手每天約會時間都不夠 哪來時間當宅神
2008-04-18 @ 16:49
迴響 from: davidtso [訪問者]
來這裡問和戀愛有關的問題其實就是個錯誤的開始....
2008-04-18 @ 17:30
迴響 from: 迷思羊 [訪問者]
我想對一般男人來說
跟他說你當爸爸了
跟不好意思讓你戴綠帽了
這兩句話的終極反應應該以後者較為凶猛吧

病床邊路小姐說的話能讓瀕死之超人醒來
自然不言而喻
2008-04-18 @ 17:53
迴響 from: 葵 [訪問者]
看到這圖,發覺我老了...
2008-04-18 @ 17:55
迴響 from: DK [訪問者]
前一陣子超人電影的小鬼,要接超人李維大叔系列那個什麼將軍來地球的那一集。 超人被路易絲發現之後就帶他去北極還南極超人他老爸家開房間,還叫他老爸用隕石照他。 然後他就變普通人...然後發生關係那段。
2008-04-18 @ 17:56
迴響 from: 希望我不宅 [訪問者]
唷~
下次你女友來,鄭重跟她介紹你的左右手,露露跟娜娜
然後再跟你的女友說,她只能做三奶....

2008-04-18 @ 18:01
迴響 from: 正妹 [訪問者]
childman,你只需低頭說你沒試過,女友就會幫你關上燈,然後很開心。。。很開心。。。
2008-04-18 @ 18:02
迴響 from: 歐巴 [訪問者] · http://cindy541.blogspot.com/
原來大家都看過"好孩子的空想科學教室" XD
糟的是......我也看過

我不想當阿宅啊Q___Q
2008-04-18 @ 18:49
迴響 from: 路過的 [訪問者]
迴響來自: 正妹 [訪問者]
childman,你只需低頭說你沒試過,女友就會幫你關上燈,然後很開心。。。很開心。。。

----------------------
接樓上正妹

然後在昏暗的房間裡傳出了科科

XDDDDD
2008-04-18 @ 18:50
迴響 from: simparn [訪問者]
我也不想呀~~宅神...去FUNP貼個文沒注意@@頭香就被這個死傢伙搶走了~冏rz
2008-04-18 @ 19:28
迴響 from: vita [訪問者]
即使是阿宅
水瓶座的對於怎麼應付女生應該很在行
也很感興趣
2008-04-18 @ 19:42
迴響 from: 阿侑 [訪問者]
同時把她從跨下到腦袋硬生生刺穿成兩半,就像是條被開膛破腹的魚一樣…


以長度來講是不可能刺穿兩半的
以力度來講就不一定了
最近英文教材是克李斯多福.李維
選用的照片就是超人
我想我一看到超人的照片就會笑出來吧
2008-04-18 @ 20:15
迴響 from: Tipsycat [訪問者]
那個大圖超少女
指甲上的指甲油也太斑駁了.......
2008-04-18 @ 20:37
迴響 from: 朱恐龍 [成員]
阿侑跟超人這麼熟?看過他褲子裡的東西?

Lucifer
2008-04-18 @ 21:04
迴響 from: 素官長 [訪問者]
~~~浮出~~~ Kristin Kreuk 的姿勢不錯啊 怎麼會怪呢!? 從後面進入的狗爬式.....不過小心那隻紅色高跟鞋!!! Ku.Ku.Ku....
2008-04-18 @ 21:18
迴響 from: 仙山居士 [訪問者] · http://blog.yam.com/ozasik
處理男女關係的方式非常地簡單,
只是本人太忙沒辦法說明清楚。
2008-04-18 @ 21:28
迴響 from: 朱恐龍 [成員]
本篇果然誘出一堆色阿宅。

Lucifer

樓上是阿宅假冒.....
2008-04-18 @ 21:29
迴響 from: 阿侑 [訪問者]
在下和超人先生並不熟
只有在洗泰國浴時打過一次照面爾爾
2008-04-18 @ 21:58
迴響 from: childman [訪問者]
感謝朱大的開示,讓我"毛"塞頓開了,其實原因是出在...
A片比女友好看太多...科科科
2008-04-18 @ 22:54
迴響 from: 謝萬金 [訪問者] · http://www.wretch.cc/blog/babejing
我第一次知道原來男生也會有愛愛恐懼症
我真是多上了一課

我也想要有超人的透視眼
呴呴呴呴呴
2008-04-18 @ 23:08
迴響 from: childman [訪問者]
我女友說她要我"轉大人"...
可是跟我想要的愛愛差距好大,感覺好不真實...
難道阿宅的宿命真的是"A片勝於一切"嗎
2008-04-18 @ 23:21
迴響 from: Spiky [訪問者]
或許把暱稱改成"adultman"會有幫助...
2008-04-18 @ 23:26
迴響 from: 阿狒 [訪問者] · http://www.wretch.cc/blog/xtaipei
davidtso [訪問者]
來這裡問和戀愛有關的問題其實就是個錯誤的開始....
------
這句話真中肯
---
childman [訪問者]
我女友說她要我"轉大人"...
可是跟我想要的愛愛差距好大,感覺好不真實...
----
不過上面那位同仁
你的轉大人 是到哪個階段
怎嚜會讓你怎嚜不踏實勒?
2008-04-18 @ 23:31
空想
基於超少女也有肚臍...
→故得知克理普頓星人在胎兒時期也有胎盤與臍帶
→所以克理普頓星的女人應該也有子宮與..
→故知...超少女的男友小弟弟危險了也
2008-04-18 @ 23:39
迴響 from: 鄉民 [訪問者]
看來跟這篇( http://blog.taiker.org/2007/10/superman-return.html )有異曲同工之妙,
但是朱大更精闢啊!!
2008-04-18 @ 23:51
迴響 from: 賈不妙 [訪問者]
文章的質量當然不必提了
反正多少稱頌也無法形容我的景仰...

我想教學的是怎麼推倒X 喔不是
是來個邪惡的一發....
啊也不是

來個光溜溜的濃情蜜意(當然,你要衣著完整的進行我也沒有意見,但對第一次的人來說,光溜溜有助進度)

你要走溫柔路線(一般我比較PREFER作了再說 被打大不了下次再來)?
答案就是:
1.作不濃情蜜意也要光溜溜才能作的事!-----像洗澡----回家前先淋到雨啦 去踩狗屎啦 或是去跟貢丸湯阿九吵架之類的
2.裝愛睏又要人陪聊天
3.來點賺人熱淚的事蹟....例如今天檢到一支可憐的小狗打斷的腿再在女友面前治好他 或是上演一次飛身幫女友擋子彈這種的事,相信女友一定會自動撲上來OOXX
4.這個就比較其下攻城了....直接買好套子放在顯眼處


據我N年前當愛情騙子的經驗,以上幾點實驗過 不用帥哥 也不用正妹光學迷彩,只要你是他男人,大概都有85%的成功機率....

至於15%的失敗原因....去照一下鏡子 看自己性慾來時,鼻孔會不會變得跟朋恰恰一樣大....這樣清楚了嗎?



2008-04-18 @ 23:53
迴響 from: 朱恐龍 [成員]
阿宅物理學:阿宅性慾來時,家裡的頻寬會變小......

Lucifer

頻寬越大,責任越大是也.....
2008-04-19 @ 00:04
迴響 from: zepee0919 [訪問者]
這篇很眼熟,
是不是從路西法的地獄拉出來的??!!
敢問朱大哪邊還會有新增文章嗎???
好久遠的記憶阿....
我大概從龍族出小說開始(或許更早??)就在那邊閒晃了呢(茶)
2008-04-19 @ 00:17
正常的情形當然不可能跟a片一樣阿...普通正常女生會讓你中出.顏射然後還嘴巴張開用很媚的眼神看你嗎?應該只會一腳把你踢下床吧~
如果正常情形就像a片那麼美好,那還需要看a片嗎?= = orz.所以你失望本來就是正常的啦~小時候老師沒有告訴過你,a片不能盡信的道理嗎?
是阿宅都比較單純還是說處男真的比較單蠢?
2008-04-19 @ 03:54
迴響 from: 鄉民roger [訪問者]
不好意思,我想挑一下怪怪的地方
銀魂的地方應該是"新阿姆斯特朗噴射炫風阿姆斯特朗砲"(東立翻譯)
http://0rz.tw/2a2nD

沒人挑出來呀= =
2008-04-19 @ 05:13
迴響 from: 鄉民roger [訪問者]
說到超人生小孩
我比較好奇悟空跟達爾是怎麼讓琪琪還有布馬懷孕的....
(話說以前西斯板好像有談到這一類的話題,但忘記後續了)
2008-04-19 @ 05:29
迴響 from: Paul 宅 [訪問者]
我更好奇pokemon(神奇寶貝)是怎麼生出來的,
請問朱老大, 皮卡丘怎麼繁殖啊?

談完阿宅性教育以後...下一篇不會是"阿宅碰到女友懷孕要怎樣面對篇"吧?
科科科...
2008-04-19 @ 07:38
迴響 from: 朱恐龍 [成員]
有關於皮卡丘怎麼繁殖的這個問題,其實阿宅自有定見.....

皮卡丘界的皮特勒告訴我們!



Lucifer

嘶~~~嘶~~~歐巴降......司溝以內.....



咳咳.....

2008-04-19 @ 09:54
迴響 from: r [訪問者]
LOL
哈哈~
後面兩張照片實在是
囧囧囧
2008-04-19 @ 10:50
迴響 from: 朱恐龍 [成員]
2008-04-19 @ 11:00
迴響 from: 朱恐龍 [成員]
樓上顯然不知道超人在原來的星球是個正常人....囧。

Lucifer
2008-04-19 @ 11:06
迴響 from: vxa [訪問者] · http://vxarx.blogspot.com/
各位~包子已經熱了~可以吃了喔~
2008-04-19 @ 12:04
迴響 from: ALPHONSE [訪問者]
你需要的是學術常識

(日文限定)
tp://soroblog.blog71.fc2.com/
2008-04-19 @ 12:06
迴響 from: 丫亮仔 [訪問者]
樓樓上有好笑到:P

2008-04-19 @ 12:07
迴響 from: 歐巴 [訪問者] · http://cindy541.blogspot.com/
包子妹抓到重點了
朱大對戰文最有回應 XD
2008-04-19 @ 12:52
迴響 from: 鄉民roger [訪問者]

說到皮卡丘
其實皮卡丘有人型樣式....
http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2340/2203190974_80fee52163_o.png

想看後續?
先回答一下我上面的問題吧
2008-04-19 @ 14:08
迴響 from: 老宅男 [訪問者]
阿宅又被教主擺一道了
教主也許也不認為愛愛恐慌症是阿宅專利?
只是阿宅習慣性會在網路上訴苦
以前訴諸書面請教薇薇夫人或是MISS 阿性的
都不算阿宅
是因為.....薇薇夫人與阿性都會很"認真回答"
版面限制?
受網路資源科技之便
有愛愛障礙的阿宅所受待遇是多了點搞笑或是嘲弄????

不過教主這篇寫的不錯
我笑到眼淚流出來


2008-04-19 @ 14:23
迴響 from: 朱恐龍 [成員]
投訴者都高高興興的說~~~

科科~~

Lucifer
2008-04-19 @ 17:31
迴響 from: 正咩...??? [訪問者]
那個日文的設計對白...真的是...

XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
2008-04-19 @ 21:29
迴響 from: 阿侑 [訪問者]
我小時後很喜歡皮卡丘的說
2008-04-19 @ 22:01
迴響 from: ooxx [訪問者]
不過我覺得朱大沒有戀愛經驗,
這樣怎麼能開戀愛相談室啊?
這是蒙古大夫啦~
越談越糟...囧
2008-04-19 @ 23:11
迴響 from: 朱恐龍 [成員]
最好是這樣~~~

Lucifer
2008-04-19 @ 23:15
迴響 from: 阿侑 [訪問者]
說到戀愛
前幾天有個同學起訌要說出戀愛初體驗
我馬上想到娜烏西卡
有誰的肩膀可以借我一下
2008-04-20 @ 00:06
迴響 from: Rick [訪問者]
阿?娜烏西卡?
風之谷?
2008-04-20 @ 00:08
迴響 from: 笑奇 [訪問者] · http://twitter.com/sk0207
>>childman
如何收窄現實與理想差距,要靠你自己調教了,
記著,你也不是A片男優。
2008-04-20 @ 00:47
迴響 from: 鄉民roger [訪問者]
剛剛看了ALPHONSE的連結..........

我覺得教育部應該要將這類教材納入健康教育呀!!(敲碗
2008-04-20 @ 10:35
迴響 from: 正咩....??? [訪問者]
日文限定?在哪裡...?

皮卡丘的設計對白嗎?
2008-04-21 @ 09:12
迴響 from: 正咩....??? [訪問者]
有~我看到日文限定了...

可是在公司打不開...
回家再看看喔...^^|||
2008-04-21 @ 09:16
迴響 from: baabuu [訪問者]
"可是跟我想要的愛愛差距好大,感覺好不真實..."

確定看的是A片嗎?
2008-04-21 @ 10:31
迴響 from: 老椰子 [訪問者]
有可能拿成小力的搞笑格鬥.....ㄎㄎ
2008-04-21 @ 10:47
迴響 from: 路人甲 [訪問者]
在驚奇四超人第二集中,有一段是火燄人問岩石人:我不能想像你和你女朋友平時是怎麼培養感情的.
岩石人:這個問題用不著你關心.
火燄人:沒什麼,我只是不想有一天聽到她被落石砸死而已
2008-04-23 @ 00:19
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